I admire your tenacity. You really do strive to seek answers. I can improve your ability to do that. Firstly, try loosening your perceptual framework. Look at things (texts, stories, lyrics in music, etc.) in a fuzzy light. Now imagine that you exist in a troubled place where things like the truth are censored. Imagine further that something beyond the place you think you dwell, is trying to reach you. How might that person do that? Also, try removing your own assumptions and biases, as you strive to listen to that person communicate with you.