I feel for you. I’ve had the same experience. I pursued, though. I’ve done everything in my power to learn.
We live in a realm of deception. This is the world that human beings, “on the planet Earth”, were born into. Because we know no different, everything in our world seems to us as normal, and we take everything at face value. We believe that we have friends and family and neighbours, that we live in civilized civilization, and that all is somewhat well in the world. We maintain this belief even though things are very different. How different? Really different.
Just FYI… you were made to feel sad and “without reason to live”, when you began to “seek”, because you were being discouraged to learn, and not for your own benefit… but because you are a person living in a realm of deception. The powers that be, do not want you learning anything. You realize, don’t you, that I’m not talking about human “powers that be”, but something much different.
To give you a change in perspective, let me illustrate something for you. Human beings, if that’s what we are, slaughter nearly 100 Billion animals per year that were grown in factory farms for the purpose of food consumption. To feed us. This does not include the animals that are being tortured for research. There’s also nearly 500,000 live births of human babies every day, and nearly the same number of human deaths per day. Do you think these half million “souls” every day get sent to heaven when they die? If “The meek shall inherit the Earth,” is that the same Earth that is a complete an utter slaughter house?
There’s more. They say that “The one true constant is change.” A dramatic and commanding statement! It almost makes you want to salute. And then, when I begin to think about it, I realize that I have to almost stop myself from laughing. Because, the one thing that I see that never changes is war. We are constantly at war with one another and it never changes. How fucking stupid are we?
In short, we have been lied to. Because… we live in a realm of deception.
When you started on your journey, towards your goal of enlightenment, these are the kinds of revelations that can possibly make some people depressed. Not everyone is ready to understand such things.
My goal has been to live in the actual conscious presence of God. And, I have learned things that I am not even able to explain to you.
I’ll give you a hint. Learn to “see” and to “read.”